How to Walk Through Grief and Survive
If you’ve ever scrolled through Instagram, you’ve probably noticed the endless stream of quick-fix promises: “Calm your anxiety with these three exercises!” or “Cure your depression in just ten minutes a day!” Maybe some of these tips help with certain moods—though honestly, I’m pretty skeptical—but here’s what I know for sure: there’s no shortcut through grief.
Right now, as I type this, I’m deep in that crippling, overwhelming place called grief. My only son just left for college, and the emptiness in the house is palpable—it’s like a dull ache that sits in my gut. I move in slow motion, crave sleep, my eyes well up frequently, and with no warning, I am unable to finish a meal, and I am struggling with basic tasks that usually feel routine. Sure, I know what’s happening in my brain and body—my emotional brain is on fire, my critical thinking has gone to help put the fire out, and everything feels heavy. The nervous system patterns in our bodies that show up when we grieve are incredibly challenging. Our bodies flood with cortisol, and our emotional brains work overtime. I try to stick to a simple routine and give myself lots of grace for doing what needs to be done, and no more if that is all I can manage.
I’ve felt this before: when I got divorced, when I lost my mom to cancer, when I said goodbye to pets, friends, and jobs. Grief isn’t a one-time visitor; it’s something we bump into throughout our lives, often daily. If you’re in the thick of loss, I want you to know: there’s no magic formula, no “five easy steps.” Some days will feel lighter, and others will feel like you are drowning. The best thing you can do is let yourself feel what you need to feel, and give yourself permission to heal at your own pace—even if it’s much slower than you—or anyone else—would like. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and that’s okay.
Over years of supporting clients through grief, I’ve learned that practical, body-based strategies make a real difference. These aren’t emotional hacks—they’re grounded, practical tools I use with the people I help every day.
Orienting the Senses: Slowly look around the room or outside and name what you see. Let your eyes land on colors, textures, or something calming. This signals your nervous system: 'I am safe right now.'
Vagus Nerve Reset (Exhale Lengthening): Inhale naturally through your nose, then make your exhale longer than your inhale through your mouth (e.g., inhale for 4, exhale for 6–8). This activates the parasympathetic nervous system and brings calm.
Touchstones: Keep a small object (such as a stone, locket, fabric, or cross) in your pocket. When the waves hit, hold it as a reminder that you are here, breathing, and allowed to feel.
Movement in Minutes: Don’t think “exercise.” Instead, stand up and stretch your arms wide, walk outside for 5 minutes, or sway gently to a song. Movement helps grief move through the body.
Permission Slips: Write a few notes to yourself that start with: 'Today I give myself permission to…' (cry, rest, cancel plans, laugh, eat simply). Post them around the house or in your bathroom.
Evening Gratitude: I invite clients to jot down five things they’re grateful for each night, no matter how small. This habit helps anchor them to moments of goodness, even on the toughest days.
Co-regulation: Sit with a trusted friend, pet, or spiritual companion.
This story about grief broadens my perspective.
A woman lost her son and went to the Buddha, asking him for medicine to bring her dead child back to life. The Buddha told her he had medicine for her and gave her a task: to visit every house in the village and bring back a mustard seed from any household that had not experienced death. She returned empty-handed.
What makes this story so powerful isn’t that it minimizes grief, but that it emphasizes its universality. Not a single household could provide a mustard seed.
This story reminds us that loss affects everyone, every day, every minute. In fact, you could argue that experiencing loss is part of what makes us human. Allowing our hearts to break and heal is one way we come to understand our shared humanity.
When I see grief this way, I can walk through it a little easier.
If your grief feels overwhelming, working with a coach can provide support. Together, we can explore the loss in a safe, supportive environment, check in with your nervous system, and use small, manageable steps to support your healing process.