The Seeds of Divorce

I have seen several couples over the past few months as divorce becomes more of a reality as we manage this pandemic, lockdowns, and the added stresses that go along with both.

Here is the main jest of what I am seeing.

Small hurts form in many relationships and build through time in the nervous system.

For example, a wife may feel overwrought with caring for a colicky baby, and the husband comes home after arguing with his boss.

The wife complains about how hard her day has been, and the man snaps back something about how working is just as hard. A minor wound forms.

Unless a conversation starts about how they need to support one another and listen to the other, the groundwork has begun in their nervous systems for defensiveness, and the slow leaking of trust occurs.

The next time a similar incident happens, our nervous system is primed to be wounded.

The pattern of trauma from one conversation has started.

Add years to these slow leaks, and pretty soon, there is a dam of resentment, sadness, and grief over not being seen and heard in your nervous system surrounding how you physiologically respond to your spouse.

“It does not matter what the other person says because the physical response to be wounded is unconscious and held in both partners’ bodies.
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Both people have decided that the other person does not listen, and even if this is not the reality, the unconscious has decided it is.

Both parties' awareness of the nervous system and the unconscious patterning needs to be acknowledged to undo the damage.

Once we have established what is happening in both individuals' bodies, small conversations can start where trust failed.

These conversations need to be unheated, calm, and in a safe place for both partners.

It is remarkable to watch couples as they share their hurts and feel heard for the first time in years with someone they deeply love but have been afraid to express their inner selves because of the nervous system override.

If you have a willing partner who wants to grow to be in a better place, come in and talk with me.

Free Somatic Therapy consultations always available.