Parenting With Our Own Wounds

I spent time with a family with different trauma patterns playing out while they all looked after one infant. Observing this for several days and grasping the full breadth of all the pain was remarkable.

I had not been invited to give my opinions and could only offer assistance that fell along the new mother's trauma cycle or risked breaking the relationship.

Our unawareness of how we have coped and managed our lives gets intermingled with parenting. If the birth does not go as planned and the baby is medically challenged or does not take to the breast, these moments create wounds in the family. If the baby does not sleep or eat or is colicky, we feel overwhelmed and exhausted, and old tapes start to play out of our unworth or shame. Whatever deep-seated trauma beliefs we have about ourselves pop up, and we react to our trauma, believing we are doing what is best for the baby.

The patterns I witnessed were those of extreme fear about the baby's well-being and comfort. Everyday noises that babies make were responded to with urgency and alarm. Sleep was unavailable for anyone in the house because noise equaled something wrong.

Had I been able to offer support, I would have encouraged the mom to grieve or acknowledge her grief for all the ways this miracle she had worked for had not met expectations. I would have led her through exercises that allowed her to recognize that the baby is safe and healthy now because her nervous system does not believe it.

I am sure there are pockets of shame because this family is successful in all other things. This family is not unusual, and the wounds we bear and do not heal create parenting choices and patterns based on our unmet needs from long ago.

If you believe you would like to parent differently or are aware that something needs to shift for you to be a better parent, reach out.

Consultations are always free.

Melissa Baldwin