Divorce and Holidays Shift Your Perspective
The holidays always bring up mixed emotions for me. Spending time away from my son is hard. In the midst of the divorce, and mediation our lawyers quickly set up a holiday custody plan that has worked for people in the past.
This holiday season will be our fourth one as a divorced couple.
Holidays are fractured now with each parent trying to get their time on these days that hold significance. My ex-husband and I have done a remarkable job with this. We always spent Christmas with my parents no matter whose holiday it was.
Last year was the first time I did not spend time with my son on Christmas Eve.
Preparing for this Christmas, I found myself being very possessive of my sons time. I was feeling hurt that I had not gotten time last Christmas Eve and felt the spite come up towards his dad every time he asked for separate time on Christmas Eve.
Then came Thanksgiving and I did not see or talk to my son at all.
Sitting with the sensations in my body I was able to recognize that when it comes to holidays, it is unfair for me to spin on the fact that I want my feelings to be the most important.
Everyone involved has emotions about holidays as well my ex, my son, my parents.
Once I owned that it was my stuff making me angry and realized my son at twelve could not recognize how hard holidays are with no contact I calmed down.
My son was spending his first holiday with his dads' girlfriends family at her mothers' house.
It was novel and fun for him, but also out of his comfort zone. So essentially we were all trying on new ways of spending holiday time.
I was still a little bruised by this when my son came back to me after Thanksgiving break, but that week my child had challenges at school, and I picked him up early twice for different reasons.
I spent time supporting him and just spending time. It hit me as we cuddled on the couch watching one of our favorite shows Monk, and that it did not matter whether I see him on a national holiday or not.
I missed Thanksgiving, but he still texted me when he needed help.
It was more important that I be there for him on the following Monday when he had a terrible day at school than when he overate on pumpkin pie.
I do not need to fight for every second with him over the holidays because I know that with the time we have, we are creating a lasting relationship.
Holidays can be hard, lonely bitter times when you are divorced, but they don't have to be. There is a bigger picture in our relationship with our children. As I write this I know, I will bump against my stuff again as there are many separated holidays in my future.
However, divorce with children is no longer about what damage was done to me it is about how do I mitigate the damage done to my son.
With this as my guide, I can navigate the waters of divorce and holidays more freely. I can forgive more easily when my son and his dad are negligent with communicating on holidays.
I recognize that playing with my son and his new toys is more important than being there for the unwrapping of the toys.
I choose to extend grace to myself for all the emotions that will inevitably come up during future holiday seasons. I will decide to be grateful for the time I have and make the most of it. This mindset is not always going to be easy, but by making a conscious effort my holidays will be less conflict-ridden in the future.
If holidays are hard for you there are ways to handle it better. There are tools you can learn to use and I am around even if you just want to email me. Let’s navigate the holidays together.