Adoption Starting the Conversation With my son’s birth mom

Adoption carries the added dimension of connection not only to your own tribe but beyond, widening the scope of what constitutes love, ties, and family. It is the larger embrace.

Isabella Rossellini

Tomorrow I see again the woman who gave birth to my son. It has been 11 years since we have sat down across from one another.

I feel a wide range of emotions about the encounter, but I desire for my son to know who created him.

This piece of his life cannot be hidden or ignored.

I am not fearful of my son liking her more or wanting a bond with her.

What I fear is that this relationship can change us. How we are to change and grow from these experiences is the question.

My child has two half-siblings that he has never met in his birth moms home. There are no siblings in mine. We can potentially be incorporating four more people into our family.

Do I have a heart big enough to hold compassion for four more people? Does my child?

I know I have the strength to make connections where my son may need them, and tomorrow I expect to feel no different.

However, there are moments tonight where the waters feel like they are rising too fast.

I will breathe and rest in the knowledge that my child though birthed from a different woman is no less mine because of that fact. I will rest knowing that this journey we are embarking on has the potential to improve us in ways I cannot even imagine. I believe there is always a Divine Intelligence at work that I cannot predict or direct. Tonight I know that after tomorrow my life will be changed.

After Coffee:

It has been a few weeks since I had coffee with my son’s birth mom.

I understand that the relationship between birth mom and mom can be a complicated one. In many instances, there is no relationship. Talking with her for two hours I have gathered that his birth mom is kind, strong, and an excellent mother to her two children.

I am fortunate to have such a woman be a part of our family tree. This doesn’t mean I am totally put together and I haven’t any real idea where we are going, but the path is becoming more clear.

Since having coffee with her, my son has cooled on the idea of meeting her family right away.

We all are in a holding pattern right now in a less anxious place than before coffee, but not moving to the next stage.

I am proud of my son for being brave enough to reach out and feel safe enough in our relationship to ask for more time.

I have worked with mothers who have given children to adoption and who were adopted themselves.

I encourage people on either side of this dynamic if you still bear wounds to come and sit. There is a space in my office for what you are holding, and together with my tools and your strength we can navigate this territory. Call me.

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” — Joseph Campbell