My boyfriend asked me what I expected people to get from this blog post, what was my goal? With blogging there is always a goal.

I wrote all of these thoughts down with no clear intention. The best I can think is that divorce is a universal experience.

In the end we have all lost what we thought to be the greatest relationship of our life. There is a similarity to this loss in all of us who are divorced.

Maybe these thoughts are just to show solidarity with all of you. Maybe I just needed to get on paper my process.

Whatever the reason if you are divorced or in the process of may you read something that resonates with you. Perhaps that was the goal.

My divorce is healthy. We parent our son well from two different households. Coming to this point of resolution has not been easy. Long months of feeling raw, wounded, liberated and uncomfortable.

Divorce showed me that there are two sides to every story and they both are valid.

I knew three women who were getting divorced at the same time I was. I had visions of forming a sisterhood through our trauma. Two of the women hopped into bed with people before the ink was dry and the third slept with her ex-husband and then put an add on Craigslist. I decided I would rather be alone.

It took me choosing to lose everything I had in the way of creature comforts to find what was hiding beneath my skin.

What I learned from divorce was that growth is possible in the least likely of places.

Divorce ripped me open and tor me down in a way nothing else ever has. Not bulimia, suicidal thoughts, being unable to get pregnant, or clinical depression. Nothing felt sacred to the storm that was divorce.

My divorce was birthed from a desire to know myself.

I once had someone who was divorced tell me that I would learn to love having time away from my son. I wanted to rage at her because leaving my son was like cutting off my arm. Four years later she still stands by what she said and I still feel my phantom limb.

As a young woman, I tried on several men like coats until I found one that felt the most familiar and then I married him, that was a mistake.

Getting to know myself was the best gift my divorce gave me. The rest of it has just been hard.

The more I vomited my story of divorce on others the less likable I became.

Comfort was never part of the divorce package, it never came.

I had a client say to me that I had come out of my divorce well. He is impressed with the person I have become. He asked how I did it. I told him I spent all of my time in a an uncomfortable place. I pushed myself to start a new hobby; met new people and spent a lot of time testing the waters of who I wanted to be. I was in places doing things in and out of therapy that challenged my status quo. I saw the life I wanted and figured out the map to get there. It has been arduous, grief stricken, and long but I have arrived at my next chapter.

The divorce created a space for my ex and myself to become better versions of ourselves.

I have the chance for my son to see that you can bounce back from a life that missed its direction because of divorce.

Living outside of my comfort zone has become who I am now.

The wounds and lessons are still with me from my divorce. Fortunately, the emotions are less raw, and peace has seeped into the cracks.

“When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind. “- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer This was my mantra for a year.

Everyone has the chance to rewrite their story. To do this one must acquire self-awareness, perseverance and lots of forgiveness.

Divorce sucks.

I know many people who have been through a divorce and spent the rest of their lives bitter. I chose to be more loving, more compassionate and more willing to connect than I had been before the divorce. Holding back from all I had to offer was one of the reasons for the divorce, and bitterness never does anything for anyone, it just makes you unlikable.

Who wants one traumatic event to script the rest of their lives? NOT ME.

Somedays all I could do was plod ahead and extend myself grace. Somedays that is all I do still.

My divorce lawyer told me that the most important thing was to keep the lines of communication open with my ex-husband. What he meant was we were going to take some financial hits and not die on every hill. Our son was young and we had a lot of parenting to still do. I took his advice and did not get all that I wanted in the divorce. At the time I was disappointed not to be able to beat my chest and scream foul play. Today I am glad I didn’t. My lawyer was correct.

Divorce doesn’t just happen to anyone. There are hundreds of choices made by both partners along the way. Just because you cannot see your part right now doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Divorce can awaken your ego to stand up when it should sit down.

It took months of feeling abandoned by my friends to understand that the journey of divorce must be done alone.

Divorce makes most married couples uncomfortable. People you counted on slip away into the night for fear of their own marriages.

Going through a divorce is like wearing a scarlet letter: especially at church.

Getting a divorce and jumping into my first open water scuba dive were similar experiences. Both held fear, risk, and uncharted waters. The sounds, sights, and weightlessness of diving are intoxicating and terrifying. The colors underwater are brighter. The landscape is surreal. Everything about diving is foreign to a beginning diver. In divorce, my daily life began to mirror being underwater. Sounds, people, my experience of living became different than it was before. My new life was brighter in places, scary, and intoxicating. There are many times in scuba and divorce where I had to remind myself to breathe. I don’t wish divorce on anyone. I do encourage scuba.

Divorce can define you or it can just be a box you check when filling out paperwork.

Transition day with my son never gets more comfortable it just changes. My boyfriend knows to let me be on those days. Some transition days I collapse, some I cry, and sometimes I can smile.

Years into my divorce currently living happily with a new man does not mean there aren’t still pockets of loss and hurt that pop up from long ago. I address them when they arise even if it makes no logical sense for them to be there anymore.

If you are working through a divorce or considering one please come and sit. Call for your free Somatic Therapy consultation with me. I would love to help you in this difficult time.