"Deposits of unfinished grief reside in more American hearts that I ever imagined. Until these pockets are opened, and their contents aired openly, they block unimagined amounts of human growth and potential. They can give rise to bizarre and unexplained behavior which causes untold internal stress."  - Robert Kavanaugh

I was asked to speak to a group of moms on grief this week. It doesn’t matter who you are economically, socially, racially grief has touched you.

Pain does not discriminate.

Grief will live on in our nervous systems to some extent forever, but we can learn ways to lessen it.

How deep down the rabbit hole we go is unique to all of us. There is no way to handle it correctly or perfectly.

The loss of a spouse, child, animal, divorce, friend, an embryo is all the same to our nervous system. How adept our nervous system responds does depend on a few things.

The first is where we are in life are all our basic needs met food, clothing, shelter, love.

How many previous experiences have we bumped up when it comes to loss. Do we have a spiritual belief system? Do we have healthy coping skills when it comes to stress, injury, change, growth?

All of this plays a part in how we manage our current state of loss.

Our nervous system on grief looks like this:

The parasympathetic nervous system handles breathing, rest, digestion basic life needs. During stress, our breath may become shallow, our appetites increase or decrease dramatically and sleep disturbances can arise. There can also be the need for excessive or prolonged rest to allow our bodies to handle the changes it is experiencing. All of this is normal, not comfortable or desired, but healthy.

The prefrontal cortex/frontal lobe includes the ability to find meaning, self-control, planning, and self-expression. Scientific brain scans show that loss, grief, and trauma can significantly impact your emotional and physical processes. The appropriate expression of emotions or desires becomes exhausting.

The limbic system is our emotion-related brain region in charge of memory integration, attention, recall, and the ability to take an interest in others. During grief, it creates a sensory oriented, protective response to your loss. This part of the brain will perceive and then alert the amygdala to sense grief as a threat. Memories attached to your losses then feel much more significant than expected.

Establishing places of safety in your body sensations is where to start. Sit comfortably, breathe deeply in and out your nose and notice your body.

Sit with the current sensations that are arising in your body and label the feeling sadness, anger, despair…. By tagging what you are experiencing without adding memories the body is more able to hold the emotion.

Acknowledge the feeling, breathe and then wait for the sensation tho shift.

Once you can experience the feeling, a new awareness opens up, and the mood will change.

When sorrow and pain are experienced and allowed to release in this manner, our nervous system can change and open up for more clarity.

The protective patterns set up in our brains decreases.

Awareness comes when one holds the grief calmly to let it be felt and pass.

The best decision we can make for ourselves is to dip our toes into the sensation so that we can pass through the loss and reach towards wholeness. Grief ebbs and flows.

Nothing is too old or inconsequential to grieve.

To be accepted and seen in our grief is one of the most gratifying experiences. Come sit and I will see the most perfect you as you come up for air. Start the connection with a phone call for you free Somatic Therapy consultation.

Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.

“― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

If you are experiencing grief, I highly recommend C.S. Lewises book entitled A Grief Observed.